Proper urinal etiquette

Just look at us.

We blast rocket ships into outer space, talk to people across the planet in seconds, and swallow little pills to take away our headaches.

Yet despite these giant leaps forward one thing’s still pretty primal around the world. Ladies, it ain’t pretty, but most guys unzip and drip into a dirty wall toilet while standing next to a bunch of other dudes.

Thankfully there’s some unspoken urinal etiquette to help answer the call of nature with class:

1. Respect The Buffer.

The goal is to leave as much space as possible between yourself and fellow urinators. Take the corners first, take the middle last, and when it’s tight out there use the stall or come back later. Elbow contact should be avoided at all costs.

2. High Shhh Alert.

Talking is frowned upon especially in the mall, workplace, or everywhere. This ain’t no coffee shop, people. Save that for the sinks.

3. Temporary Food Ban.

There’s something wrong with the guy who leaves a sloshy bottle of beer or a half-unwrapped cheeseburger on top of the urinal while he takes care of business. The mental combination of food plus bathroom is far too intense and must be avoided at all costs.

4. Fart ‘em if you got ‘em.

I think we know why.

5. No middles, no problem.

Picking the middle from an empty bank of three urinals is considered a cardinal sin of the highest order. This terrible offense upsets the natural order of the men’s room.

6. My, What a Nice Wall.

Eye contact is forbidden so keep staring down that brick wall in front of you. If there’s a poster hanging above the urinal, it’s guaranteed that every word will be read at least three times. Some people may even choose their urinal based on how good the poster looks. This is allowed assuming all other rules are followed first.

Phew!

Okay ladies, thanks for putting up with us here. Yes, the men’s room is a nasty, dirty, filthy world. It ain’t pretty and it never will be. But it’s part of our daily lives so let’s all help keep it classy and keep it clean by respecting the codes, respecting the creed, and always observing proper urinal etiquette.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 6th, 2010 at 10:50 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.